Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
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