I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Randomize
