I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
