Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
