between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
