sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
