The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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