I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
