I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
