The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
