We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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