DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
