Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Randomize
