i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
