Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
