it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
