omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
