Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
