these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Randomize
