I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
