i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
