i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
