One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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