Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
