The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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