So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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