Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
