Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
