I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
