Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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