she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
