I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
