I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
