am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
