K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
