how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
