did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
