She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
