A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
