No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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