you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
