this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
