You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
