fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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