headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
