Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
