he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
