remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
