Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
