I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
