Pappa wants mamma naked
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
